3 YEARS IN 1020 WORDS. WHAT COMES NEXT?
Three years from now in 2016 I remember; I was one of the most socially well-connected people in my surroundings. I was always is the middle of the attention, funny, loud guy who loved to sell himself to the public with harsh jokes on other people, also on himself. Self-critic was very important for him that time as well but also the willingness to push others down (unconsciously) by raising himself above.
This is what first (second… third… fourth…) I did not even realise for a long-long-time just recently. I will get back to this later!
So I was that guy who was loved by everyone. Everybody was giving all the time the positive feedback on my behaviour because I was funny of course. My jokes were hurting a lot of times but I knew how to reconcile those people that I hurt (unconsciously, unknowingly). So, I was like a star (at least I felt myself like this) who is celebrated by others all the time. It was like summer; I was shining all the time.
The autumn had arrived soon. My personal-intimate relationships started to collapse soon, I had one or two panic attacks as well during this time. I started to fear of the fear.
Finally, the winter had come. My three-and-a-half-year relationship was about to finish quite fast. This was my first ‘serious’ relationship and this was my heaviest break-up ever. Due to the fact, there and that time I was not just braking-up with my current girlfriend but also, I was breaking-up with the only stabile point of my life. The floor was given away and I started to:
My downward march to the bottom line started this time and it lasted for two years. Two years deprivation of happiness. Unconsciously, I sentenced myself for this amount of time to give the control to the pessimism, anxiety, depression, fears, sadness, anger, segregation, loneliness and hopelessness over me. During this time-period I broke every of my relationships, I lost all of my friends, also I ended-up being alone and lonely and this is exactly the time when the turning point came. I had to choose between the two option:
Jumping out of the balcony or I radically change my life.
Make a guess which option I chose.
I was repeating myself; I had to do something new.
So, I started to visit those kind of Erasmus+ projects which was fitting to my needs and profile, such as theatrical programs, topic about compassion, leadership and also, the most important one:
Basic Synergy Self-development program.
During this project with the support of the main trainers, co-trainers, also participants I had changed my life completely. This was a gift from the life, better say, it was a gift from myself to myself because I was arriving to this course opened enough in order to be able to face with myself and my reality. I was craving for the answer of my question:
How come that I am feeling that depressed, deprived, sad, anxious, lonely for such a long time?
The answer was the following: I did not have intimate-human-relationships anymore and this was digesting me from within. Also, I answered for myself, why I did not have them and it is pretty obvious. I was rude, oppressive, unrespectful with most of the people, me-myself is included. But how come from that lucky, funny, well-known, celebrated guy I turned that much in the opposite side, so I ended up in loneliness and depression? Now I have an overview on my life so I can tell you easily: I stated my stabile point to an outsource because I did not have strong enough insider power, called self-confidence and also belief in myself. Easily, I just did not know myself and the only power that I was gaining it was coming by pushing others down (unconsciously) and receiving other’s positive reflections.
How come that I was doing this? In my entire life I was oppressed and bullied by others. It started with the primary school, then continued in the high-school. Then I got some friends who also supported me to breakdown my self-confidence (I need to mention that they gave me a lot as well beside of this on other channels) so in my entire life I was letting myself to suffer by others. When I gained self-confidence due to doing sport, studying and being involved in a loving relationship the time had come to start to pay off the bill for the society. So literally I was serving back what I got. Of course, it is not right but it is important to mention in order to be able to see the great picture, with the frame as well. I do not discharge myself from the liability. I raise awareness on the fact that:
We are accountable for our own actions, no one else can be charged for them but we have to arrive in our life to this point to realize this and the path is not short and direct. It is long and sinuous which contains a lot of self-work, self-awareness, self-discipline, self-esteem, self-confidence and the most important: the willingness for asking help and support from others because alone it will not work out.
Now, as I am arriving to Smokinya Foundation for the second time I feel very good. This gift that I gained to myself is priceless. I can see myself from above, with the third eye and I love what I see. I have really good relation with myself and with the others as well. I love my family, my new friends, my renewed life and still the most important: I love myself.
I want to say thank you for my family, my friends, my coordinator, also to my flatmates that they had been supporting and still supporting me. The greatest gift that I can get from anyone.
This is the beginning of my renewed, updated life and what comes next? Stay tuned because I do not know either.
Thank you and have a beautiful day, wherever you are!
This program is co-funded by the Erasmus+ programme to support education, training, youth and sport in of the European Union.
The European Commission’s support for the production of this publication does not constitute an
endorsement of the contents, which reflect the views only of the authors, and the Commission cannot be
held responsible for any use which may be made of the information contained therein. //
Подкрепата на Европейската комисия за изготвянето на настоящата публикация не представлява
одобрение на съдържанието, което отразява гледните точки само на авторите и не може да се търси
отговорност от Комисията за всяка употреба, която може да бъде използвана за информацията,
съдържаща се в нея.