Time flies so fast. I’ve been here for almost 6 months and so much is happening, at the same time so little. I feel like I’m busy all the time, working or organizing events or participating or travelling and so on. I’m meeting a lot of people and places but I don’t feel like I’m doing the relevant things. Am I helping anyone? What is the point of doing this? What does it actually mean to volunteer? Is it helping others?
I am learning a lot though. I am meeting many people who are influencing my life. I am changing every day. I have given up the struggle of what I want to do with my life. I choose to live now without the stress about the meaning of life and comparing myself to people who have a visible purpose of life. I’m learning to accept myself as I am instead of judging – It’s just how I am, it’s not good or bad. It just is.
I have found that being with people doesn’t mean having relationships. Relationships always have some expectations, I don’t want to expect people to be in any way, of caring about me or being there when I need them (what actually is this need?) or to have any qualities or values or whatever. Also people can just be however they are. This is not easy for me cause most of my life I’ve been expecting that my closest people have some particular attitude towards me, so I feel comfortable around them. Now I want to be free of it.
I have given up the crazy parties every other day. Now I get to deal with myself, I get to spend some time with myself and be a bit boring, but at the same time I’m using more of my potential, I’m spending my time doing things being in a creative flow, I’m having a different kind of fun and I connect with people on a deeper level or no level at all. It’s not easy to go and meet new people so I am very grateful for the people who are around me doing their stuff and I’m happy to have the chance to see them, interact with them and learn some things about myself. Sometimes they do stuff that makes me feel uncomfortable or angry or scared. It gives me something to learn about myself, something to discover.
I’m learning to love myself, my body and my choices. I’m discovering how is it not to chase experiences. How is it when I don’t have to do something, when I don’t have to be happy or excited or busy or useful or whatever. Just be in the moment, not in the story I will tell or show or remember.
So.. I don’t know if I’m helping anyone, if I’m doing anything good for the world, but I know that this time here in Sofia is definitely a huge difference for me – a new life, new perception, new meaning, I don’t know what’s coming next, and it’s just fine, I don’t worry about that anymore.
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